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My wife’s friend was moving about 400 miles away so they were hanging out and having a going away party at their old place. I couldn’t attend because have two birds, two cats, and four dogs. I get an hour of burn time over there before my allergy medicine is overcome and that’s the end of it. Apparently while they were hanging out my wife talked to someone who was a self styled paranormal investigator.

Now I’m completely open about the occult with a limited amount of people in real life who I think are respectful and interested in honest discussion. Even with those people, I usually keep it tamped down pretty hard since I get worried about the walls having ears. My wife apparently sold him on the idea that there’s a ghost cat (there is) and at least two people died on the property if not more given our location near a historic battlefield. The ghost cat is a pretty constant companion, even people who don’t really think about the occult have asked us when we got another cat. It’s also not uncommon at all to hear the thing banging around the house when we know our cat is in the bedroom with us. Even before we had kids, the cat toys would migrate through walls, into the locked basement, into the crawlspace, wherever. The two people who passed were the grandfather of the original owner and the original owners wife.

Anyway so these guys show up, and I decide to grab a cigar and my tablet and take the kids to the local shopping center. My wife, her friend and the team stayed behind. The shopping center has a play place so it’ll be good for 6pm to 9pm when it closes. We’re there hanging out and I distinctly feel a disturbance in the force. I text my wife “Oh so if they’re going in the ritual room, I’ll shut down the computer”. “Oh, that would be good!”


Apparently the opinion of people was that they weren’t getting ‘enough’ so my wife offered to let them into the ritual room, which she had opened with ‘a wiccan circle’ and ‘called up some spirits’. Fortunately they were literally familiar spirits being Agares and Bifrons, so I didn’t expect trouble and my wife apparently had no trouble calling them. Still, I imagine it went something like this…

OK it probably didn’t. My wife opened the circle, called in the spirits, lit some candles, and then opened the freaking door to the ritual room and told the spirits “go nuts”. Predictably, all hell broke loose. The ghost hunters reported, in the 15 minute span before I got home the fastest anyone has ever seen a minivan move, people got sick, the house rumbled, the lights in the basement started swinging, someone heard a wailing from the crawlspace… I wouldn’t say we live in a particularly magical or haunted house being built in 1962. On the other hand, actually opening the door and then letting the spirits “run wild”, not so hot. Finally one of the guys left a recorder on the altar which he said “recorded nothing but a high pitched noise”. Not in the triangle, mind you, they seem to have some sense about them. If you read that and said “oh Agares!” you’re right on the spot.

To their credit, I thought this was going to turn into one of two things – either the ghost hunters were going to be seriously disappointed in spending time in a place where people practice serious magic, or this would turn into “oh you can DO THAT? do it AGAIN!” They were actually respectful and let me bore them with magical history discussions, and weren’t bent out of shape about the occultism. It’s actually sort of nice to see a ghost hunting team which didn’t look down their nose at magic.

The cleanup was a bit of a mess. The ghost cat was still bombing around upstairs and it answers to no spiritual authority I know of. Seriously I swear they buried it in the walls or something. The cat was heard by our friend T who was hanging out tonight and helping with the kids, etc. The spirits were easy enough to dismiss with the license to depart, except for the crawlspace. The ghost hunters, rather than entering the crawlspace, opted to draw the spirit out. Their sensitive acknowledged the “barrier or blockage” in the door (me), then proceeded to open it. Doh. We decided to re-enforce the barriers in the crawlspace. After burning enough sage to stink up the house completely, we moved down to the crawlspace where I issued another chain curse to constrain the spirit to the location. My wife sprinkled exorcised water liberally, filled with seasalt. T was throwing more salt in the crawlspace when I saw a particularly large chunk go from the crawlspace right back into her face. She wears glasses, so I didn’t think much of it until I heard a blue streak of curses from her. Apparently not only did the salt get thrown back at her, but it managed to perfectly sail over her lens and under her brow to hit her in the eye. I’m reasonably convinced the crawlspace is re-exorcised. My wife tried to have a talking-to the spirit, who didn’t show up after all that.

If the videos are sufficiently anonymous, I’ll put up links to the footage. My current wondering is if the chain constraint is actually binding the spirit into the crawlspace rather than exorcising the spirit to the edge of the property. This requires guru meditation.